i need to write this down. get it out. its been building up inside me for two days now. nobody reads my deviantart and hell most of my friends dont know i have one. i cant write this anywhere too public for fear of the furthur exploitation of their memory. i never liked him. i saw him at my grandfathers funeral only 2 months ago. there was always something creepy about him something wrong. and i know this isnt just a revisionist history. i sensed it. he was a small quiet mole of a man... didnt know how he was ever a lawyer. he laughed along to some of the jokes my dad made with one of our other relatives but wasnt involved in the conversation at all... just hovering... looking on.

my aunt was the really bubbly type ... the sort where at first you thought she was just a little boisterious and annoying... but you realize shes just really open and kind. it was her personality and it grew after she survived a battle with breast cancer - which the whole family thought that she would succumb to. she was the nicest one there... hell she had always been especially nice to me. at the wake she stood by my side the whole time... asking questions about my life... the promise ring she saw on my finger... at the funeral she greeted my boyfriend with a warm welcome... which i really appreciated.

she always wanted me to be closer to my cousin stephanie. she was a year younger. when i was little i remember going to some of her birthday parties, a lavish communion party in brooklyn, and going to their first apartment and later their house to visit. i hate to say it... but i never really tried to get to know stephanie. she always had a lot of stuff my parents couldnt afford and i felt like she was snobby about it. after i heard i looked on her myspace page... and realized that we had had a lot in common really... she wasnt so different but i chose to alienate her because i made a wrong judgement of her at an early age... she was just a shy person.

catherine i only remember as a baby... at a family party we wheeled her carriage around outside. my aunt was so happy with her because she thought she couldnt have another baby... when she was 5 i remember her at my graduation party. she was just learning how to swim. she was 11 years old. i hadnt seen her and stephanie for years... i missed catherines communion because i was away in college....

now their all gone. stephanie and catherine didnt deserve this and neither did my aunt. and what? over money? something as stupid and meaningless as money and reputation? it didnt have to be this way. something anything maybe could have changed this... maybe i should have been a little bit nicer to him so that he didnt seem so alienated... maybe that doesnt matter because he would have done it anyway. i angry at him. i dont believe in heaven or hell but i hope this karma thing works somehow. you have no right to take someone elses life for a mistake you made. no right. and now because of this stupid irrational act stephanie will never reach the age of 20. she wont fall in love. she wont get married. her dreams will never come true. catherine was just a baby. she didnt deserve this. she was so full of love that it wouldnt have mattered to her if daddy had lost money. shes never going to get to grow up now either. shes never going to become a teenager and then a bright young lady. she was just a child. and then this happened to her by one of the two people that she trusted the most. she must have been so scared... didnt understand what was happening or why she was being hurt... stephanie too... they had no idea that this was going to happen. they were just visiting her at college. why couldnt he have just killed himself? why did he have to do this? why? why do this to your wife? your daughters? they were all so beautiful and they were destroyed in a second.